A lonely walk within
Sometimes I feel as though I’m lost..inside of my own being. I’m here physically but my actions sometimes make me feel like a stranger to myself. Who are you? Where have you been? What happened to you? These are the questions I want to ask the person I don’t recognize but I know the answers to these all of them because this is me! Right? It’s almost as if there are 2 of me. One side is grateful and full of love, life and laughter. He’s funny and cunning could charm you in ways you thought weren’t possible,almost infectious. He is a smart individual aware of his surroundings and the concept of cause and effect but then there is the other side of that coin...Where there was once love, hate now resides and is living comfortably, all those unattended issues have festered into something dark, someone dark. This man is very different from earlier described, he is unsure of himself causing him to question all that is deemed good about him. That sense of love grows numb as the the days turn into years, the fountain that use to replenish you ran dry years ago so now you scavenge for the resources to properly fuel yourself back to whole but you only find temporary solutions posed as long term salvation from this dark place you’ve nestled into. As the light continues to slowly fade your blind to the actual meaning of the visual or just afraid to look but is there really a difference? You’ve masked this dimming light to avoid reality, made it into your own sunset but they did always say to find beauty in the chaos but you just find more chaos but here’s the catch others don’t find the chaos you hold they find beauty. Digging through the mud there’s a few gems but you can’t believe that so much beauty came from inside you cause it is hard to see in the dark. All is not lost.. As I move forward in my venture I’m learning to coexist with my demons, treating them as a necessary evil, every day has its night. I’ve accepted that one can be both beauty and the beast and that truly one couldn’t survive without the other. In my spiteful attempts to ensure I don’t become my father I am him more everyday. In being self aware I have caught on to my self destructive patterns and chose a different sequence. I am my fathers child from my complexion to my tendencies, but that doesn’t mean I am my father. It means I get a chance to be the man he never was and that he always wanted me to be. As I continue to forge my path I do it with a sort of Zen knowing my Yin and my Yang together formulate my peace.
Chance D Drake. A lonely walk within